In Conclusion

When I started this blog I knew I was taking a risk.  Perhaps it would only be a week of blogging, so kind of pointless, perhaps months, but I really hoped not. Either way I decided to start the blog and am glad that it only lasted as long as it did.  I don't know that many of you are following this blog anymore, and honestly it was meant more as a journal and outlet for me than anything.  But I figured I should wrap it all up.

Baby Z is doing wonderfully.  He is a normal boy and this experience feels mostly like a very, very bad dream.  We brought him home almost a month ago - we have now had him longer than we didn't.  The one lingering concern when bring him home was his weight.  He came home on a Saturday weighing 8 lbs 6 oz.  By Monday, he weighed 8 lbs. 8.5oz.  - just over his birth weight.  Friday he was up to 8 lbs. 12 oz.  A week later he was up to 9 lbs 14 oz.  The doctor just laughed as I "complain" about him eating all the time - like every 1.5 hours for an hour.  I literally spend all day feeding this kid.  He is catching up and hopefully soon will stabilize. So gaining weight is not a concern.  We have been told to treat him just like a normal baby because he is just that.   

We as a family are beginning to fall into a routine.  Things seem "normal."  Christmas came and went and although this season (my favorite season) flew by, we are very ready to say good-bye to 2011 and all it brought. 

'Tis also the season for babies or so it seems.  At least 10 of our close friends or family have had babies in the last few months.  All healthy, all getting to come directly home.  It is wonderful to have friends and family having babies the same time as you.  It is hard when all of them are having healthy babies and yours is in the NICU.  I remember getting the email announcements or seeing the post on facebook and wondering why they were getting to do all those wonderful things that I expected and yearned to do and I wasn't.  What had I done wrong?  What crazy lesson was God trying to teach me know?  But as I have had some time to distance myself from the situation and look back I can honestly say that I am grateful for this experience and think that all my friends with healthy babies should be a bit jealous they didn't get to have it too (okay, just kidding, no one should EVER have to go through this, but honestly I am glad we did).  

So what made it all worth it?  Why am I glad?  It was the simple lessons I learned.  Nothing too profound, nothing too life changing.  Just simple and needful.  Like the lesson that healthy babies should not be taken for granted.  The ability to have children and raise them is such a blessing and a miracle.  What trust God has in us.  Pregnancy is awful (for me at least) but babies are wonderful and worth every bit of pain and sorrow.  Perhaps the 9 months are more preparation for us - we have to earn the right to have a baby.  Who knows!  But I am very glad I have my two angels. 

I also learned how amazing of a man my husband is.  I always suspected that he was strong but now I know it.  I love him more and appreciate him more than ever.  He took on so much, he carried the majority of the weight so that I could recover and not crumble under the pressure.  He may not be able to win every arm-wrestle, but he protected me from a lot of emotional damage.  He sustained me through this all and was able to keep his job, take care of Addison, and keep me laughing.  He is amazing and I often take that for grant.  

I think however the most valuable lesson I learned was one I already knew but needed to be reminded of, and that is that God knows me.  He knows what I am going through and what I am going to go through.  He knows what I am capable of and what is just too much.  He knows my tests and my trials and has prepared help and support for me.  This was shown to me so clearly.  You see, I needed people to help me during this time and we had so, so much help.  But I also have trouble asking for help and accepting it.  Enter Nathan's sister and her husband.  They moved here in October for a 3 month internship.  They lived with us for the first two weeks of October while they were looking for a place to live.  They hoped the internship would turn into a job.  He has been looking since July.  It did not.  In fact, the whole three months they were here they lost more money then they earned and ended up in just the same spot they started.  However, we needed them and God knew that so they were here.  They were the ones we could call at midnight and have them take our daughter.  They knew our house, they had lived here for 2 weeks, so they could step in and take over where we could no longer.  They knew our daughter's routine.  They knew how to get her to sleep and she knew them and loved them.  They knew us well enough to know what we needed without us having to ask.  They were our sustaining support through this all.  I remember the night Baby Z was being transferred, I was freaking out -literally.  I didn't know how we were going to make it.  Nathan then reminded me that we had them and I was calmed.  I knew we could do this if they were with us and they were - the whole time.  They have since moved back West.  We miss them a lot but know that they were sent here for us because God knew we would need them.  They were our angels.  

I also learned I am a control freak - this I will be working on...for a while.

So these are some of the lessons we learned.  Some of the gems we were given during this time of trial.  I am grateful for them and for all the lessons God teaches us while we are on this earth even though sometimes when it is over it just feels like a very, very bad dream.

(I'll load some pictures later but now I have to go feed Baby Z).